I recently entered a competition to design a poster for the Erectile Dysfunction awareness campaign.
I am pleased to announce that I've made it to the semis.
I am pleased to announce that I've made it to the semis.
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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced five husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom.
“How can that be if you’ve been married five times?”
“Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband 2 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband 3 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband 4 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband 5 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was… God! I miss him!
But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!" “Good,” said the lawyer, “but why?”
“You’re a lawyer!” she replies. “This time I know I’m going to get screwed.”
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An assassin who charges $10,000 per bullet was enjoying a few drinks at his local drinking hole when a man approached him.
“Are you the assassin who charges $10,000 per bullet?”, the man asks.
“Yes, I am”, says the assassin.
“Good, my wife is cheating on me, I know where they’re staying and I have $20,000.”
“Let’s go.”
They drive to a convenience store across the road from a hotel and climb onto the roof.
The man points to a window and says, “they’re in that room. Now here’s what I want you to do. I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the dick.”
“You got it,” says the assassin, who proceeds to set up his sniper rifle, with scope, get into position and point the weapon at the indicated window. He sits there, not doing anything for a long time.
Finally, the man says, “well? Are you going to do it or not?”
“Patience, my friend,” the assassin replied, “I might be able to save you ten grand.”
Do you think somebody ever went to see the band Placebo, thinking it was the Cure?Sist redigert:
I got a gift basket from my psychiatrist for Christmas..
It arrived shrink wrapped.
A most subtle way to tell you that you are "a basket case"!
I was walking down the street when a homeless man asked me for a few dollars for food.
I pulled $10 from my wallet and ask the man, "If I give you this money, will you buy beer with it?"
"No, I had to give up drinking years ago", the man replied.
"Will you use it to buy fishing gear instead of food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing", he replied. "I have to use all my time to try and stay alive."
"Will you use it to buy hunting equipment?", I asked.
"Are you NUTS? I haven't been hunting in twenty years!!"
"Well", I said, "instead of giving you the money, I'm going to take you home to my house and give you a nice hot bath, and a amazing dinner cooked by my wife."
The man, astounded, asked " Won't your wife be furious if you bring a homeless person home with you?"
I replied "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what happens to a man when he stops hunting, fishing and drinking."
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce «unionized».
I went to the zoo the other day and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.
The Man United team visited an orphan in Manchester today.
"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope"
...said Ben, aged six.
Gilbert O'Sullivan went into his local bank.
After he’d left, one of the tellers asked the manager what he’d wanted.
"A loan again, naturally."
I worked at the Dracula doll factory; it was just me and one other employee, so I had to make every second count.
The butcher accidentally backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
I've just changed my name to Steppenwolf.
I was born Toby Wilde.
An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital. At the end of his visit, he's shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:-
"Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face,Great chieftain o'the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm:
Weel are ye worthy o' a grace as lang's my arm....
"The doctor, being somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into:-
"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit."
This continues with the next patient:-
"Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
wi bickering brattleI wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi murdering prattle!"
"Well," said the Englishman to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for last."
"No, no, no," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns Unit."
Robert Burns - Wikipedia
en.wikipedia.org
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