Vitser og morsomheter Den store (engelske?) vitsetråden!

[coolbiz]

I recently entered a competition to design a poster for the Erectile Dysfunction awareness campaign.
I am pleased to announce that I've made it to the semis.

 

[PederP]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced five husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom.
“How can that be if you’ve been married five times?”
“Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband 2 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband 3 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband 4 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband 5 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was… God! I miss him!
But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!" “Good,” said the lawyer, “but why?”
“You’re a lawyer!” she replies. “This time I know I’m going to get screwed.”

 

[PederP]

 

[weld77]

An assassin who charges $10,000 per bullet was enjoying a few drinks at his local drinking hole when a man approached him.

“Are you the assassin who charges $10,000 per bullet?”, the man asks.

“Yes, I am”, says the assassin.

“Good, my wife is cheating on me, I know where they’re staying and I have $20,000.”

“Let’s go.”

They drive to a convenience store across the road from a hotel and climb onto the roof.

The man points to a window and says, “they’re in that room. Now here’s what I want you to do. I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the dick.”

“You got it,” says the assassin, who proceeds to set up his sniper rifle, with scope, get into position and point the weapon at the indicated window. He sits there, not doing anything for a long time.

Finally, the man says, “well? Are you going to do it or not?”

“Patience, my friend,” the assassin replied, “I might be able to save you ten grand.”

 

[BurntIsland]

Do you think somebody ever went to see the band Placebo, thinking it was the Cure?

 

[coolbiz]

I got a gift basket from my psychiatrist for Christmas..

It arrived shrink wrapped.

 

[Spiralis]

I got a gift basket from my psychiatrist for Christmas..

It arrived shrink wrapped.

A most subtle way to tell you that you are "a basket case"!

 

[coolbiz]

 

[coolbiz]

 

[coolbiz]

I was walking down the street when a homeless man asked me for a few dollars for food.
I pulled $10 from my wallet and ask the man, "If I give you this money, will you buy beer with it?"

"No, I had to give up drinking years ago", the man replied.

"Will you use it to buy fishing gear instead of food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing", he replied. "I have to use all my time to try and stay alive."

"Will you use it to buy hunting equipment?", I asked.

"Are you NUTS? I haven't been hunting in twenty years!!"

"Well", I said, "instead of giving you the money, I'm going to take you home to my house and give you a nice hot bath, and a amazing dinner cooked by my wife."

The man, astounded, asked " Won't your wife be furious if you bring a homeless person home with you?"

I replied "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what happens to a man when he stops hunting, fishing and drinking."

 

[BurntIsland]

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce «unionized».