Vitser og morsomheter Den store (engelske?) vitsetråden!

[coolbiz]

Noen som kjenner seg igjen?

 

[LMC]

There was a knock on the door this morning, there was a lad standing there
who said

"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

I said "Come in, sit down, now what do you want to talk
about"?

He said, " Fucked if I know, I've never got this far before".

 

[sclalars]

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH


A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot...'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'






LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)


Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the fuckin' difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'



LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH


Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful...'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'




LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR


Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'



LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice..

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fuckin' beautiful!''



LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER


Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat..'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old..'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own fuckin' business.



I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!

 

[sclalars]

A NUN AT HOOTERS

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a
while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She
walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue
of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the
bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just
long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they
applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you
like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf
on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?

 

[zimon]

Two little boys were watching a dog clean himself. They watched him for quite awhile until
finally one of the boys said "I wish I could do that." The other little boy said "He'd bite you."

 

[Sluket]

Little Ralphy according to SLUKET!

One morning in class, the teacher, Miss Rogers asks the class if they can think of a few words expressing anger; and after a second of thinking turns to little Ralphy and says in a strict voice; "and I don't wan't to hear any foul four-letter words from you this time. Ralphy!"

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "RATS!" Much to Miss Rogers relief; she had thougth the worst to come, so she apllaudes Ralphys choice of word this time.

"Yes" says Ralphy, RATS is good. "Cocksukin' Motherfuckin' RATS!!!"

 

[Gjestemedlem]

A guy walks into a bar down in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”

The guy says, “No, I’m from Minnesota .”

The bartender says, “What do you do in Minnesota?”

The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The bartender says, “A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?”

“No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals.”

The bartender grins and hollers, “It’s okay boys. He’s one of us.”

 

[JackX]

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way, the charitable organizations . The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.

"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."

"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."

The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

 

[LMC]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, 'Father ... during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied, 'That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
The priest said, 'By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question.'
'And what is that, my son?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?'

 

[vredensgnag]

It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.
I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.

I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about it, since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would do.

Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.

So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make heads or tails of.

I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated—as if there were something I was great shakes at—and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times. So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.

Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.

She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What a perfect nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation became more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.

 

[Paal_Iksom]

^a propos:
How To Win the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest

 

[sclalars]

'Involuntary Muscular Contractions'



A professor at the University of Alabama was giving a class on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'...

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom............

 

[Jan_I]

It has been snowing hard now for 5 days. My wife just stares through the
window.
If it doesn't stop pretty soon, I'll have to let her in.

 

[LMC]

IRISH SAUSAGES
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't even got any money to pay for these drinks !!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, now here's the plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman immediately noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm absolutely drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.

 

[Spiralis]

An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian minister were seated next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.

When the charming air-hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself.
The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything.
He replied, “Oh no, thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol.”

The elderly doctor promptly handed back his gin and tonic to the air-hostess and said:
“Madam, I did not know there was a choice.”

 

[Spiralis]

The little red fueltruck.

In 1940 two men were flying from New York to Los Angeles on what was then a new DC-3. They left New York and when they landed in Philadelphia, a red truck drove up to put fuel into the wing.

A little while later, they landed in Pittsburgh and, again, a red truck pulled up to fill the tanks with fuel.

Each time they landed to discharge or take on passengers, a red truck would pull up and add fuel to the tanks. Finally, after landing in Kansas City and seeing truck pull up again, one said to the other, “we sure are making good time.”

Said the other, “yes, we are, and so is that red truck!”

 

[coolbiz]

Have you heard about the misfortune of the newlyweds who confused Vaseline with mortite? All their windows fell out.

 

[Fenalaar]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the past 40 years.

"Maybe," says the Wizard, "but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

Without hesitation the old man says, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

 

[zerum]

Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.

 

[ottone]

The 7 Dwarfs to the Vatican

The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they are the 7 Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'

 

[Gjestemedlem]

How do you toast an Irishman's concubine?

"Here's to ewe."

 

[Spiralis]

"A toast to our wives and mistresses ! May they never meet!"

 

[coolbiz]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that
2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

_________________________________________________

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept
thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an
erection... but she did.

_________________________________________________

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum
cleaner. F*** me, talk about Dyson with death.

_________________________________________________

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

_________________________________________________

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "f*ck that" says Mick
"have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

_________________________________________________

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest pen1s
she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my
leg"

_________________________________________________

Just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me
that they're not actually a dating agency.

_________________________________________________

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes
silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound English",
"I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously. "What do you do,
just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist." "What on earth is one of
those?", "I mount animals." "Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one
of us.

_________________________________________________

Spent £40 on ebay last week for a pen1s enlarger. Just opened it and some
bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!

_________________________________________________

I saw a poor old lady fall over today!! At least I presume she
was poor as she only had £1.20 in her purse

 

[JackX]

A white guy goes for the first time to a sauna.
The lady behind the counter helps him with the 'ins and outs' in saunalive.
Once inside, he starts to undress himself, and wrap a towel for his privateparts.

He walks to the sauna, goes in and sit down on a bench.
One minute later walks a big black guy into the sauna.
Unwrap the towel and took place on the other side of the white guy.

The black guy starting to sit a bit more comfortable and spread his legs a bit more. The white guys looks between the black guys legs and sees a big black 10" thing hanging around.

He says; "Man, that is quite some dick, you have"
Black guy; "Yeaahh, all black guys have this sizes"
He says; "How come....they are that big"
Black guy; "All you need is a piece of string and a rock"
He says; "Huhhh"
Black guy says; "Tie up the piece of string on yours, and the other end on the rock"
He says; "And mine become as big as yours?"
Black guy; "Yep, just swing a bit every day"

White guy goes home greased lightning, comes at home and doing the thing the black guy said.
2 weeks later, he goes to the sauna again. A few minutes later the black guy comes
the sauna in again.

Black guy says; "And......did it work?"
He says; "Yep....10" long now and just as black as yours!!!"

 

[sclalars]

Coffee with God


Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barrack Obama meets a man with a beard. 'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.

'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'

'Why no,' he answers, 'I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.'

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again, he discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'

'No, I am Jesus, the Christ; you will find Mohammed higher up.'

Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher. Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question: 'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

'No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted, 'Would you like a cup of coffee?'

Obama says, 'Yes please!' As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: 'Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!'

Keep your trust in God; your president is an idot!

 

[Spiralis]

A 65 year old man went to the doctor for his Class II exam ( Legeattest for piloter ) and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.

The doctor asked, “To what do you attribute your good health?”

The old timer said, “I’m a helicopter pilot and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I ‘m up well before daylight, climb all over the helicopter doing my preflight inspection, flying all day, etc.”

The doctor said, “Well, I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?”

The old timer said, “Who said my dad’s dead?”

The doctor said, “You mean you’re 65 years old and your dad’s still alive? How old is he?”

The old timer said, “He’s 84 yrs old and, in fact, he built and flies his own airplane and he went flying with me this morning. That’s why he’s still alive… he’s a pilot too!”

The doctor said, “Well, that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it. How about your dad’s dad? How old was he when he died?”

The old timer said, “Who said my grandpa’s dead?”

The doctor said, “You mean your dad is 84 years old and his father is still living! How old is he?”

The old timer said, “Grandpa is 102 years old and he was a pilot too.”

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, “I guess he went flying with you this morning too?”

The old timer said, “No…Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he just got married and he’s on his honeymoon.”

The doctor said in amazement, “Got married!! Why would a 102-year-old guy want to get married?”

The old timer said, “Who said he wanted to?”

 

[Spiralis]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, ‘Pierre, kiss me!’
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips.
‘What are you doing, Pierre ?’ says the startled Marie.
‘I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!’
She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, ‘Pierre, kiss me lower.’
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
‘Pierre! What are you doing now?’ asks the bewildered Marie.
‘I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!’
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, ‘Pierre, kiss me much lower!’
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.
He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, ‘PIERRE , WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?’
Our ‘hero’ stands and says defiantly,

‘I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!’

 

[ottone]

A housband and wife were trying to set up a new password on their computer.
The housband said "Try 'MYPENIS' " and the wife fell on the ground laughing cause on screen was an error message saying "Error. Not long enough."

 

[ottone]

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

 

[Spiralis]

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:
“I think everyone’s asleep, lets go”
“This one’s empty … no-ones looking… you go in first”
“It’s a bit cramped – let me sit down”
“Have you got the condom? Quick – put it on”
Sniff sniff
“Ah perfume – you think of everything”
“This is great…..” (long sigh)

Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.
“This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you’re doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations… Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!”

 

[Steinar_Lund]

There once was a girl from O'Keith
Who circumsized men with her teeth
She said under pressure
It's not for the pleasure
It's just for the cheese underneath

 

[JackX]

"Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development," says the teacher. At the end of the class, the she asks that all the little girls to remain behind for 5 minutes.
The teacher begins: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that for tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems, when he says anything that appears rude, to get up and leave the class room."
Everybody agreed to this plan. Next day, teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita." Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mummy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk." Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes Suzie!" Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home." Teacher: "Excellent, thank you Suzie!"
At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the teacher asks: "Oh heavens, tell me Johnny what new development is being built near your home." Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel." As all the young ladies get up and proceed to leave, Little Johnny says, "Hey relax you little whores, it hasn't opened yet!"

 

[coolbiz]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

 

[JackX]

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"
She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment.

A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

 

[Fenalaar]

The recession has hit everybody really hard...
My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
And, finally....

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide
Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

 

[sclalars]

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."

 

[tweakMan]

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.

;D
---
At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"
---
Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?
A: Nothing, it just waved!
---

 

[JackX]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not
produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them
were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards
cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk
all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all
over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had
eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the
door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this
a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the
Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

 

[Spiralis]

An Honest Undertaker

A rancher who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The undertaker asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the undertaker a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the undertaker; "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the undertaker presents her with the blank check.
He says, "There's no charge."

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the undertaker says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

"So I switched the heads"

 

[coolbiz]

Angela Merkel arrives at the immigration control at Athens airport.

Immigration officer: "Nationality?"
Merkel: "German"
Immigration officer: "Occupation?"
Merkel: "No, just here for a few days."