Vitser og morsomheter Den store (engelske?) vitsetråden!

[HC]

The Best Lovers

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a spectacular gorgeous woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. As if his prayers were answered, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. The Annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was this most beautiful woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"It's Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba!"

 

[Godalive]

Have you heard about the dyslectic, agnostic insomniac? He was laying awake at night, wondering if there really was a dog.

 

[Godalive]

Har lyst til å holde liv i tråden...

Amerikaneren, engelskmannen og japaneren overlevde båtvelten, og klarte såvidt å berge seg i land på ei øy. Hutrende rundt bålet sier amerikaneren; "I will be the president", hvorpå engelskmannen repliserer; "I will be the prime minister". Stillhet...... Da det ikke kommer noe fra japaneren, sier amerikaneren til slutt til ham; "..and you will take care of supplies". "OK", sier japaneren, og legger på sprang ut i skogen. De to andre ser forventningsfullt på hverandre, og lurer på hvilke herligheter japaneren vil bringe til bords.
Det går en stund, men det er ingen tegn til at han kommer tilbake, og når mørket kommer, blir de oppriktig bekymret. "Vi kan ikke lete etter han nå, men vi får ta en tur når det blir lyst, blir de enige om". Neste morgen er det fortsatt ingen japaner å se, så de to går inn i skogen for å lete. Det er tett buskas, og de to blir slitne etter å ha lett i flere timer. De hører noe rasling, og plutselig hopper japaneren ned rett bak ryggen på dem, og skriker av all makt;
"supplies"

 

[sclalars]

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID,

"THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT.

"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS, RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.


THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. . . THE OLD FARMER
UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,

"BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"

 

[coolbiz]

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young
bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed
distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large
piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could,
Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant
gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a
rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were
standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot
off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this
was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the
railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

 

[sclalars]

Boobs vs. Willies


A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers,

'Well, son, a woman goes through three Phases.
In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how Many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through Three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'

 

[vredensgnag]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... Do whatever he tells you.
This guy is very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong. I love you, too.'

 

[ottone]

Ooops!
I just stepped on a corn flake.
Does that make me a cereal killer?

 

[Spiralis]

Ooops!
I just stepped on a corn flake.
Does that make me a cereal killer?

Den er herved offisiellt STJÆLT !! ;D ;D ;D

 

[olisn1]

The young female medical student had big problems on her anatomical examination, did not know what to answer.

The professor: "But, haven't you read Hare: "On the abdomen"?

The student: "No, sir. It's black and curly".


Ole G

 

[sclalars]

Denne er også til ettertanke! Kanskje ikke en vits, men ender som en ;D

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to repeat, a rumour.


In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.


This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.



It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife like a barn door in a hurricane



mvh
Lars

 

[Brasse]

Ooops!
I just stepped on a corn flake.
Does that make me a cereal killer?

Den er herved offisiellt STJÆLT !! ;D ;D ;D

x2.

Slo an på Twitter!

Forøvrig anbefaler eg alle denne standupen: Mitch Hedberg. http://open.spotify.com/album/5G6XrtX8LWKIYpmdilyJhF

 

[JackX]

Crocodile hunter.

Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He
puts the croc up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished patrons
and says: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and
place my genitalia inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one
minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my genitalia
unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will
buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured in unanimous approval. Steve stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the crocodile's
open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a
minute, Irwin grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the croc hard on the
top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and he removed his
genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
Steve stood up again and made another offer."I'll pay anyone $100
who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman
timidly spoke up... "I'll try it! Just don't hit me too hard with
the beer bottle .....


-------------

Jeezes

 

[JackX]

[No message]

 

[JackX]

Nunsense

A Nun was sitting at the airport, waiting on her flight to Chicago. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune, and thought to herself, "I'll give it a try and see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "You are a Nun, you weigh 128 pounds and you are going to Chicago."

The Nun sat back down. She told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. The more she thought about it, the more curious she got, so she decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "You are a Nun, you weigh 128 pounds - you are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle."

The Nun says to herself, "I know that is wrong - I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life."

She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case in the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy’s case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music.

Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine thinking, "This is incredible - I've got to try this again!"

Back to the machine she went, putting in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a Nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you are going to Chicago and you are going to break wind."

Now she knows the machine is wrong, as she thought to herself, "I've never broke wind in public a single time in my life." But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.

Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly remarkable! I have go to try this again."

She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a Nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."

 

[JackX]

An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a 'goy" and changed my name from Levi to Spamoni and I am alive today because of it."
"Self preservation is important and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and allowed her to repay me for my efforts with her sexual favours."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"

---
:

 

[Spiralis]

Working on an airline, you receive free or reduced-priced flights. Such was the case when Roger Gay took the opportunity of a free flight from London to Manchester. He boarded the flight some minutes before it was due to leave the terminal. The flight was filling up. Roger’s allocated seat was already taken, so he sat in another, vacant seat.

A few minutes later a woman in airline uniform (not a stewardess) holding a clip-board marched up to the man in Roger’s originally allocated seat and in her official capacity asked, “Are you Gay?”

The man sank down in his seat, blushed and sheepishly uttered, “Yes.”

The woman said, “Then you have to get off.”

Roger, realising that the airline had over-booked and he had to give up his perk seat, put his hand up and said, “I’m Gay,” and started to get up.

Immediately another passenger stands up and miltantly calls out, “I’m gay! They can’t chuck us all off.”

 

[villov]

Student sends an e-mail to his dad, saying:

Dear Dad

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit embarrassed to arrive at college with my solid-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all of my teachers and most of my fellow students travel by train.


Your loving son, Nasser



REPLY

My dear loving son,

Twenty million US dollars have just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Love, your Dad

 

[sclalars]

Nursing home


An Arab family were considering putting their grandfather Abdullah into a
nursing home. But as all the Arabic facilities were completely full they had
to put him in an Australian home.


After a few weeks in the Australian facility, they came to visit grandpa
Abdullah ... "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

It's Great! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful" says grandpa ...

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for
you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone else ..."

"Oh no! Let me tell you about how respectful they treat the residents ...."
says Abdullah with a big smile ... There's a musician in here ... he's 85
years old.

He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him ...
'The Maestro'


There is a judge in here ... he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench
in 30 years and everyone still calls him ... 'Your Honor'.

There's a dentist here ... he's 90 years old who hasn't fixed a tooth for 25
years and everyone still calls him ...'The Doctor.'

As for me ...I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me .... 'The
Fucking Arab' "

mvh
Lars

 

[sclalars]

Ikke engelsk, men den var så "søt" at jeg legger den her for det ;D ;D

Lille Per

11 år gamle Per sto utenfor badet og venta når hans meget

hotte storesøster på 18 kom ut fra dusjen i bare håndkle.

Han sto der med et veldig bekymret uttrykk i ansiktet

og spurte plutselig om han kunne få se henne naken.

Søsteren ble naturlig nok sjokkert og spurte om det hadde klikka for han.

Men Per ville ikke gi seg og søsteren ga til slutt etter og kastet håndkle.

Per pustet lettet ut og smilte fra øre til øre.


Søsteren lurte på hva det var og Per svarte, " Puuuh, …Jonas i 10. klasse sa du hadde fått kuk i helga"!!!.....

Mvh
Lars

 

[sclalars]

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters..

They were all getting married within a short time period.
Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started,
she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a
few words on how marital sex felt.


The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the
Nescafe jar.


It said: 'Good till the last drop'.

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.



The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding,
and the card read: 'Rothmans'


Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes,
and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size'

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.



The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland , New Zealand ..
Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing..
Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.


Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand '

Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing
the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.

The ad said


'Ten times a day, seven days a week, Both ways.'


Poor Mum fainted

 

[sclalars]

THE AMBIDEXTROUS GOLFER

A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One got transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 a.m. He figured the early tee-time would discourage her.
The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and, playing right-handed, beat all three of them with an eye-opening two-under-par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.
They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady again played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them. The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

The guys thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

 

[Spiralis]

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous “one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind” statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.”

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 (in Tampa Bay, FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor’s bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, “Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”

 

[sclalars]

Oranges

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, 'Why are you standing in line here, dear?'

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

'Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,' Grandma said, and she proceeded to the end of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma he was bewildered and exclaimed, 'Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?'

Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry.'

The policeman fainted.

 

[Godalive]

The young wife experienced a bit of a disappointment on wedding night. She was watching her husbond undress for the first time, and even the nice honeymoon hotel surrondings couldn`t make her happier. With poorly hidden sarcasm she asks: "who are you going to satisfy with that?" The husband seems to be a bit surprised, but answers with all the self confidence a young man possibly can possess: "My self!"

 

[Xevious]

Top Ten Chuck Norris Facts

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies
the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

8. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.

9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.


Additional Chuck Norris Facts

* Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

* Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

* Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

* The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

* Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

* Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

* If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

* Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

* When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

* The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

* Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

* Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

* There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

* Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

* What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims
before they died? His shoe.

* Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

* Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

* Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

* Chuck Norris doesnt wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

* A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

* Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

* Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.

* If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

* Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

* Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will fuck you up.

* The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

* Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

* Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

* Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

* Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

* Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

* Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

* Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

* Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

* In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

* Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Fuck was That?"

* Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

* Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

* The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

* In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

 

[coolbiz]

On their way to get married, a young couple were involved in a fatal car accident. They found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St Peter to process them.

They began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St Peter showed up, they asked him

St Peter replied, "I don't know.This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me find out," and he disappeared.

Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. As they waited, they had time to discuss the remifications of being allowed to marry in Heaven, along with the eternal aspects of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered. "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St Peter finally returned, looking a bit bedraggled. "Yes," he informed them, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St Peter, red-faced with frustration and maybe a tinge of un-angelic anger,
slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?"asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

 

[sclalars]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar……'

 

[Spiralis]

Little boy to airline pilot:

“You re a pilot?!?!? That must be exciting.”

Pilot:

“Not if I do it right.”

 

[coolbiz]

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160kmh, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the N1, enjoying pushing the
pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 80kmh, then 220 then 240. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.

 

[motoren]

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160kmh, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the N1, enjoying pushing the
pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 80kmh, then 220 then 240. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.

;D fantastisk

mvh

 

[ØivindJ]

Did you know that dolfins are just gay sharks?

Heard on Glee

 

[JackX]

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said .. . . . . ; "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

;D

 

[zimon]

A horse and a rabbit

A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a
mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the
farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but
the farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the
mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other
end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward
saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow
again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the
horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched
over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull
yourself up." And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't
need a Mercedes!

 

[slartibartfast]

den er opprinnelig på tysk, så det spiller ingen rolle om jeg oversetter den til engelsk eller norsk..

en rabbi og en katolsk prest er ute på tur en veldig varmt sommerdag

de kommer til en fristende vann-

"la oss ta en dypp!!" sier rabbien

"har ikke noe badebukse med meg" sier den katolske presten

"pah! det gjør ikke noe! la oss bade som Gud skapte oss!"

"greit"sier presten

de to tar seg forsfriskende dypp og akkurat når de kommer ut av vannet kommer der en gruppe med turgåere forbi

rabbien holder seg hendene føran ansiktet, mens presten holder hendene føran sine edlere deler

"hvorfor holder du hendene føran ansiktet?" spør han rabbien

"menigheten MIN kjenner meg på ansiktet" sier rabbien

 

[LMC]

Strange Young Couple

A Texas DPS Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He also immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, he walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's side window.
The young man lowers his window and mutters, "Uh, yes, Officer"?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?
The young man says: 'Well, Sir, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the trooper says: 'And her in the back, what is she doing'?
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone in a car at night, in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening! The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'. The trooper asks: 'And her ... what's her age'?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes...

 

[zimon]

A small guy steps into an elevator in NY, looks up and notices
this huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the
small guy and says,"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound
left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy
faints. The big guy reaches down picks him up, brings him to slapping
his face and shaking him and asks,"What's wrong with you?". The small
guy, colour drained from his face says,"Excuse me but what did you say
just then?". The big dude looks down at him and repeats,"7 feet tall,
350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right
testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy says,"Oh thank God for that! I
thought you said'Turn around'"...

 

[JackX]

Octopussy...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmy Hendrix. The guitar owner pays up.

Another customer walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. The trumpet-owner coughs up.

Then Jim, a Scotsman plunks some bagpipes on the table. The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says: "Play it? I'm going to shag it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off"

.

 

[Sluket]

Japanese passenger: "Oh, I see you have erection!"
Canadian driver: "Yes, that is true."
Japanese passenger: "How often do you have erections?"
Canadian driver: "Normally, every four years. This year we are having two though ... one for city government and the other for federal government."

 

[Ulf-B]

Speilbildet av denne:

British upper class lady in Japan: "How often do you have elections?"

"Evely molning, madam, evely molning...."