Lars Madsen med åpent brev i DN:
Dear England,
First of all, please accept our sincere apologies for qualifying for the quarter-finals.
We realise this was never part of the constitutional settlement.
For more than a century, international football has rested on the comforting assumption that England would, in due course, meet Germany or Argentina in an unfortunate penalty shoot-out. We were not supposed to arrive in the quarter-finals with a striker the size of a minor cathedral and a midfield that suddenly appears to know what it is doing.
We remain profoundly grateful for everything you have given civilisation: parliamentary democracy, the unwritten constitution, the written complaint, the Ministry of Silly Walks, and the ability to lose on penalties while blaming continental referees.
We also understand that football is coming home.
It has been coming home for so long that we assume it has been delayed at Heathrow, mislaid by British Rail, or trapped in a committee stage in the House of Lords.
Still, we admire the faith.
We do not claim to be better than you.
That would be vulgar.
We merely observe, in the spirit of Nordic transparency, that we are still here.
So are you.
This creates an unfortunate administrative complication. One of us must leave the tournament, and Whitehall has, we suspect, not prepared a procedure for England. Nor, we imagine, has Buckingham Palace.
Should Norway win, however, we ask for calm.
Please do not regard it as the collapse of Western civilisation.
Please do not blame Europe.
Please do not appoint a Royal Commission on Set Pieces.
It will only be football.
Admittedly, football invented by you.
Perfected by everyone.
And now, possibly, borrowed for one more evening by Norway.
Yours apologetically,
Norway
Currently in possession of Erling Braut Haaland.